YESSSSSSSSSSSS

We were unwittingly at the forefront of a movement, friendsssssss.


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A few answers

1. Sojo works on a top-secret government project to develop a satellite that will cause Tom Brady not to throw the interception against the Broncos and, working in secrecy, cannot answer the phone.

2. Grant is too busy going to flag football class, caressing his mohawk, and eating delicious In n Out burgers to waste his time on his silly MA friends.

3. After Rafe was slammed in the head during that one fateful football game, he believed he was Kevin Mack.

4. Ben, I don't live on the west coast.

5. For reference, Ben, I meant March 7-9, 2009.

6. "Well, my resulst are as follows. Blount averaged .25 points per possession wearing white jerseys, .14 in the green, but a shocking .45 in the new black jerseys. If you add that to his Horatio Index number, you will find that Ainge eats doggy poo."

7. I assume this is some sort of Catskills reference.

8. There's only one Trot I want to see in town... and he's on horse tranquilizers too!

A few questions

1) Sojo, why was your phone off when I tried to call you?

2) G, why don't you tell us about the time Rafe visited you in Tempe?

3) Rafe, why were you a Bernie Kosar fan in the first place?

4) Penny, there is a rumor that a certain unguardable basketball player from the West Coast might be moving to Beantown. Do you need his services on the Angry Fish?

5) Ply, the calendar has been marked.
[Note: This is not actually a question.]

6) LTS, what are your thoughts regarding the claim that Wyc demanded Ainge sign Blount to that contract?

7) Smay, remember the time we ate pizza at Woodstock Pizza? Them slices was the shit, yo!

8) BAG, you ever see Seattle Slew trotting about town?

This has some potential, monitor it closely.

1,000 words

Yum

Ahem, ahem, horrible

This is one of those trades that makes me want to be a Clippers fan.

Can Pierce and Wally even play at the same time? I suppose the plan is for Pierce to guard the two and Wally the three.

Blount for Kandi is a wash (though Kandi's contract ends in '06, right?).
Reed for Dwayne Jones, wash? (I'm being optimistic on this front)
Banks is fairly useless, but he can give you something off the bench every now and again.
Why give up the picks? We gave up the better players!

I love to see Blount gone... maybe Banks too (though he was going to be gone after this season anyway). But when I look at this trade objectively, money issues aside, all I see is Ricky for Wally, and that makes me very unhappy. Seems like freeing themselves from Blount's contract forced their hand to make this ugly trade. Wally's contract is pretty bad. Ricky's was pretty great.

Was McHale recouping on some old card game victories over Ainge?

I'm receiving late word that we might also get a conditional first round pick. Meh, that appeases me slightly.

Consider: Raef and Wally = 26 million until 2008-9. That can't be right, can it?

We don't have a natural point guard, Ricky averaged more than five assists a game, Wally doesn't like to pass the ball. Things are only going to worse on the offensive end; let's not even get into Wally's defensive capabilities.

Ainge's "get out jail free card" for avoiding charges of being a white supremicist was the fact that he had traded for Ricky Davis. Well, what now? Davis for Wally. Toine for Raef. His record speaks for itself. Silly Mormons.

Is there any basketball discipline that Wally is superior to Ricky in besides the ability to hit a wide open three point shot?

Now imagine that 46 times

Attention G

What is your phone number? I am going to be in Tempe tomorrow until Thursday for a business trip, and I'd be willing to expense account some drinks if you're game. And then I can pretend I'm 20 again--minus the receding hairline.

I do a lot of thinking when I watch football

One thing that I've spent a great deal of time pondering this afternoon is this: Are we really supposed to give a FUCK that Jenna Elfman is returning to television? Isn't this CBS ad campaign something similar to if ESPN were to hype a return of Jack Edwards to Sportscenter. Couldn't be more irrelevant to anybody, right? Bland blondness, recycled blahness.

I have some beef strips in my fridge (no homo)

How should I prepare them?

Got any recipe ideas?

Who you gonna call?

For your viewing pleasure

Need a coat, G?

Current temperature in Astoria, NY: 56 degrees

Current temperature in Tempe, AZ: 55 degrees

Now all I need is a rich Brazilian friend, plentiful ladies and a crappy rap group, and I'll have everything you have. Plus herpes.

Shake that Laffy Taffy

To not share with you my excursion of last night would be a crime. The man they called Rodrigo is running the show and we are off to E4 one of Scottsdale’s nicest clubs. Rodrigo is loaded and he is from Brazil which he makes clear by kissing ladies hands and saying “ello I am roooodriiiigo and I am from braassill.” No one knows how or why but Rodrigo knows everyone, and is able to get us into any bar or club V.I.P. no ID, no cover, no questions asked. Tonight I was promised Playboy Playmates which I did not see with my own eyes but was told that three attended. We get to the club and Rodrigo introduces to everyone and just like that we are VIP for the rest of the night. 1 bottle of grey goose- $275, 2 bottles of champagne- $200, having every girl in the bar on eye fuck the shit out of you because they think your cool- priceless. Then, three sisters get involved. Sister 1 whispers in my ear, “my sister is 28 and she loves Mohawks,”….It’s on. Making a long story short sister 2, 28 year old Mohawk lover wants very badly for me to take her home, sadly I must refuse because of my stupid girlfriend. Meanwhile a group of about seven young African-American males show up in the VIP lounge. Come to find out it was D4L, don’t know who they are do you? Well neither did I but it became more clear when they requested the DJ put on their hit song “Laffy Taffy.” The song is quite a gem. I believe the final bar tab was around $900 which Rodrigo took the brunt of. Since this was my first excursion with Rodrigo I pitched in a good amount but next time I will let him take all of the damage. The kicker: when asked this morning about last night Rodrigo says it wasn’t even that fun and he was disappointed. Rediculous

Can't wait 'til my first Fair Trade Xmas card!

Bruce Gray
151 West 6th #4
South Boston, MA 02127
(857) 540-1369



Juicebox Angel
General Delivery, American Soil
The United States of America, 01776

Contact Info

Since so many of us have been cast to the four winds--or incarcerated--since the Town Hall days, I thought it would be good to have everyone's contact info. Here's mine, please put yours down as well.

---------------------------------------------------
G
3501 S. McClintock Dr.
Tempe, AZ 85282
---------------------------------------------------
Rafe
55 Valparaiso Street, Apt 5
San Francisco, CA 94133

408-806-6667
---------------------------------------------------
Sojo
2231 Green St Apt 4
Philadelphia, PA 19130

412-448-7361

---------------------------------------------------
Bryan
30-85 30th Street Apt 2
Astoria, NY 11102

917-334-1197
---------------------------------------------------
M EFFIN BAG
425 Vine St Apt 626
Seattle, WA 98121

508-740-4190
***********************************************
Simon Bollin
Vineyard Electronics
Vineyard Haven, MA 02568
(508) 693-5600
------------------------------------------------------
Sam
1201 Rhode Island Ave NW
Washington, DC 20005
(202) 577 4409
ps: great to have you on board, Simon. Say hello to melba and the rest of the gang
------------------------------------------------------
Louis
It's None of Your Damn Business Avenue
Apartment F-U
Nowheresville, No How 00000-0000
(646) 573-1631
ps: That's right, I don't need any postcards and I don't want any visitors--just ask Bruce; I do welcome, however, any gifts, not to mention the attentions of young, attractive, wayward girls, who might be new to the city, all of which are to be directed to 225 East 6th Street, Apt. 3K, New York, NY 10003.

Benjamin, I'll assume the following:

a) You have already purchased a Nick not-Goings-to-be-working-here-anymore jersey
b) You have front row seats to the game
c) Outdoor watercolour painting is not common amongst artists in Seattle

Bruce, alias ironsmith, alias the white face in the red throwback,

alias the Cash to Rafe's Kofi, alias the guy that never made up nicknames for himself in the '96 yearbook, alias the only balla that eva did matta (alias Penny)... be still those aching hearts and raging sinuses dear friends, I have arrived.

I'm sorry it took so long.

-Penny

Prayers answered?

Blount to Minnesota?

Stats to chew on

Ovechkin video

Video: Grown man vs. Young boy
Reminds me of that time Shaq took a swing at Montross. Every time he senses a young up-and-comer ready to knock him off, he panics.

Highlights from Jerry Bruckheimer's iTunes Celeb Playlist:
"In da club" An excellent party song
"Karma" I like this song because it shows both sides of Alicia Keys
"Oh"(Ciara) Just a great, mellow song"
"Clocks"The Theme song for everything
"Lonely No More"(Rob Thomas) My Favorite track off his solo album
"Just the Way You Are" Classic Joel. Maggie Gyllenhaal does a great cover of this song.
"Desperado" I feel like the guy from that classic seinfeld episode, whenver this song comes on I just stop and listen.
"Gangsta's Paradise" The first rap song I learned all the words to!

Worst WKFL team of all-time

Mittens leads the troops onto the gridiron.

OFFENSE
QB: Kitten
RB: Snail
FB: Flounder
OL: Ant, Flea, Mosquito, Tick, Bacterium
WR: Sloth
WR: Earthworm
TE: Hummingbird

DEFENSE (4-3)
DT: Salamander, Newt
DE: Sheep, Pony
ILB: Baby Panda
OLB: Horseshoe Crab, Oyster
CB: Penguin, Hamster
FS: Cow
SS: Chicken

COACH: Rafe Mazer

Starting Lineup for the Wildcats

Offense:
QB: Octopus (suction-cup-like ability with arms provides a devastating pumpfake)
RB : Kangaroo (won't be any fumbling once the ball is inside this pouch)
FB: Bart Simpson (similar to acts seen in Nelson Muntz' classic run, the 'roo will continually punch Bart at defenders as he bounces down the field)
C: Blue Whale
G: Sperm Whale
G: Beluga Whale
RT: Killer Whale
LT: Whale Shark
(The All-"Whale" O-Line is the first of its kind in the WKFL)
TE: Gorilla (best all-around blocking/recieving)
WR: Cheetah (bigplay speed)
WR: Puma(lacks Cheetah speed, but has more size)

Defense:
NT: Grizzly Bear
DL: Polar Bear
DL: Kodiak Bear
DL: Black Bear
(Historically, the Bears have one of the best defenses ever)
IL: T-Rex (need I say more)
OL: Wild Boar
OL: Bengal Tiger
SS: Chameleon (not only will the other QB have trouble seeing him, but his tongue can snag any ball within a large radius)
FS: Pteridactyl
CB: Mufasa
CB: Raptor

Special Teams:
PR/KR: Charlie Joiner (Eager to live up to his namesake, Charlie (chickens) puts on a Rudy-like performance at mini-camps, running a 2.7 in the combine, despite stopping half-way through to eat a biscuit)
K: One of the Budweiser Horses (did you see them in that commercial a few years ago!?)

Team Motto" "Who are we? The WildCats! Who are we gonna beat? The Wildcats!"
Coach: John Hammond, Creator of Jurassic Park
Assistant Coach: Gallimymus
Offensive Coordinator: Giraffe (with his height, he will be able to scout defenses and call-in audibles)
Defensive Coordinator: Vampite Bat (using his sonar, he can determine the next play and prepare defensively

Wild Kingdom Football League

Here's another time killer for those of you not getting MLK day off. A few weeks ago a friend of mine introduced a novel new fantasy league idea: Design a football team with only animals. Here's mine, and I'd be especially interested to see what Steve comes up with on this one:

Offense:
QB: Orangatang
RB : Greyhound
FB: Buffalo
C: Elephant
G: Hippo
G: Blue Whale
RT: Sperm Whale
LT: Boa Constrictor (this really depends on how they define holding for an animal with no hands, and whether suffocating an opponent is legal)
TE: Octopus (maybe not the best blocking tight end, but with eight arms he can catch low or badly thrown balls for keyt third down conversions.)
WR: Condor (Biggest wing span of birds)
WR: Mountain Lion (they can broad jump something like 25 feet, perfect for leading sideline throws that keep the ball out of reach of the defender)

Defense:
NT: Whale Shark (if you've ever seen a picture of them with their mouth open as they feed then you know what I'm thinking here, kind of like the Gilbert Brown of the WKFL)
DL: Polar Bear
DL: Kodiak Bear (along with the Polar Bear, they're the only bears that actually stalk human beings, I like that ferocity)
DL: Killer Whale
IL: Gorilla
OL: Female Lion (male lions are inherently lazy, the females do all the dirty work, so I'm giving her the edge on this one.)
OL: Bengal Tiger
SS: Falcon
FS: Chupacabra (this is a legendary vampire goat that has haunted South American farmers for decades)
CB: Hyena (agile, scrappy, and probably hard to pick up when they blitz)
CB: Tasmanian Devil (cartoon version, though I'm concerned about a propensity for pass interference calls)

Coach: Dolphin
Offensive Coordinator: Koala
Defensive Coordinator: Bill Belichick

Celtics Related Poll

Continuing the discussion last week, sparked by Simmons' anti-Doc article (Peter May actually did a more well thought out one in my opinion in yesterday's Globe), I want to do a quick poll on a few key Celtics questions:

1. Fire Doc Rivers (Yes/No)
2. Fire Danny Ainge (Yes/No)
3. Trade Pierce (Yes/No)
4. Play and/or utilize the young guys more, ie Green, Jefferson (Yes/No)
5. Trade Blount if the opportunity ever arises, even at 50 cents on the dollar if it will free up cap space in the future (Yes/No)
6. Hire a hit man to take out Scalabrini, LaFrentz, and all the other guys with horribly overpriced contracts on our team.

Here are my answers:
1 Yes
2 Yes (he is to blame, every non draft-related move he's made has been illogical and ineffective)
3 No fucking way, but if we do, do it now, when his stock is soaring again.
4 Yes, if they're the future, I'd like to see them in the present.
5. Yes, by any means necessary. I am just so sick of him at this point I don't care as long as we get rid of him.
6 I'll contribute $5 to that fund.

Well that's a shame

Nobody tried any of my three-layer bean dip.

Any requests?

I'm running out to pick up some snacks for the game, you guys want anything in particular? Bruce already told me he's bringing his famous eggs, G says he thinks he knows where he can get some pastries, and apparently Shammy has a bang-up recipe for pasta salad that I'm just dying to try. But aside from that, what? No Rafe, I'm not buying a veggie platter with cucumber dill humus. I assume Sojo wants some chips and salsa? Oh, Ply called, he's at Swine Time picking up some sausage, fresh off the pig, so I'll definitely be sure to buy some peppers. Oh, and also, here's the exciting thing, they totally don't card me at Safeway, so I think I'm gonna pick up some bruschis. A sixer of O'Doul's should be plenty for us all, right?

Crags Explains It All

Using Nirvana-age technology, Summon Scrags has been able to predict the results of this weekends playoff games, with a little assist from Plim and Sojo, who were his willing subjects for these tests.

1. Washington 14 (S), Seattle 12 (B)
A safety on the last play of the game couldn't help Seattle in a brutally crappy game which featured Plim's first FG attempt in about 15 years. Mark Rypien was scrambling while Sojo was himself rippin' some fits.

2. Denver 28 (B), New England 0 (S)
New England's dynasty comes to an unfortunate end when John Elway dominates the Pats paltry D, scoring on a first play flea-flicker, then on the next possession, Bobby Humphrey fakes the entire shook Pats D by pausing a lá the flea flicker, then running untouched into the endzone while Garin Varis can only cry.

3. Indianapolis 16 (B), Pittsburgh 13 (S)
Plim nearly blew the game by talking on the phone, and Rod Woodson dominated but it wasn't enough for Sojo, who got Hestered in the fucking face.

4. [Carolina] 28 (S), Chicago 24 (B)
The Bears blew a chance to win when they got cute instead of just running into the endzone with 30 seconds left, losing to the stand-in Philadelphia Eagles who didn't have quite the success we thought they might but Byron Evans ripped enough shit up (aided by Seth Joyner, natch) to secure the dub.

Per my brief stint with the German Language...

...I have repolished the site title

FYI, for those who were confused, Smayciel is defined as follows:

1. A nickname used to refer to acts involving both Samuel Patruzca Mitchell and Rafael Marlan-Keenan-Wayans Mazer.
- e.g., We have 4 right now. Is Smayciel playing? If so, that's 6.

2. The illegitimate love child of the aforementioned actors.

As for the do-the-Trits-uhl-quit, BAG speaks the truth..... Despite best efforts from Fred Marion, Bobby Humphrey tore apart the pats defense yesterday in Astoria

From everyone at Bayside High, here's wishing you a happy and safe Divisional Playoff Saturday,

Looks like we're in trouble tomorrow, boys :(

Two-yard gain

Tecmo-style prediction: Pats 56, Broncos 0; multiple flea flickers and a possible Totupu appearance.

Real prediction: Pats 26, Broncos 13.

To BAG: Congrats on your tickets to I & S land. Don't worry, nothing can possiblie go wrong. (Though I hear the gift shop is out of BORT license plates...bummer).

To sojo: I'm gonna need a custom throwback Pizza Pockets jersey with that on it.

I'm going to Itchy and Scratchy Land, bitches!

Pats 27
Broncos 20

Do gifs work? I had no idea, well this changes everything...

Here's hoping I'm the wind beneath your wings....

Ben: I have offered no prehistoric beasts as of yet. But what I can offer you is 2 free passes for your family to Itchy and Scratchy Land

G: What about free frogurts?

Ply: Trits 27, Bronx 24

Smayciel: And so a new nickname is born....

Pats Predictions

Me: Pats 23, Broncos 17.

Speak of the devil, Wyc's speaking out.

Sojo, I didn't mail your iPod

Not today.

Perhaps tomorrow?

But I loaded it up with all my best acid jazz, old school Polynesian jams, and Bette Midler hits. So you're in for a real treat.

Actually, since I'm here, and since I've yet to mail the iPod, if anyone can offer me something greater than pterodactyl wings, the iPod could be yours!

I forget though, did Sojo leave the pterodactyl wings to me, or did I leave them to G, or did Ply leave them to Sojo? How did that all play out?

S-M-R-T

This is a video so beware it may take a minute.

Minus the worst song ever, this is everything right and wrong about my school. Arizona State University at its finest can be broken down into two simple categories.

Free Toppings (that’s good): Insanely hot beautiful babies who like to drink and get naked.

Potassium Benzoate (that’s bad): Everything else.

Don’t take this wrong because I absolutely love my school and wouldn’t transfer for any amount of free toppings, but sometimes it’s hard to believe that it is an actual university. Some numbers that might shock you; ratio of smart people to people who cannot count past ten at my school is roughly 38.116:1. Ratio of blondes to brunettes 19,000:5. Ratio of absolute douche bags to non douche bags 38,110:7. Ratio of Jake Plummers graduated to every other university in the world 1:0. The numbers don’t lie and neither does my grammar. Moral of this story, if you’re looking to “card read good” than don’t come to ASU, if you like tall skinny blonde girls with big hoo hoo’s then it might be whole different story.

Two thoughts.

1. Is changing horses in midstream really all that difficult/ill-advised? I mean what's the big deal? I think a pretty good case can be made that it's a lot easier -- and more desirable -- than some in the media make it out to be. For example: what if your original horse is a nag?

2. I think a good first name for a professional athlete would be "Coniferous."

On: Celtics basketball

Well, I figure this is as good a place as any to discuss the C's (and sojo quietly rescinds his membership). So here's an article by the Sports Guy, who, by the way, has long since out worn his welcome with this casual sports observer.

A few things to discuss. Yes, Doc Rivers is a bad coach. But honestly, what was anyone expecting out of this season? Three high school projects under contract, not a single proven NBA point guard, Mark Blount and Raef LaFrentz getting extended minutes, no three point marksmen, no defensive stalwarts (Tony Allen and Ricky Davis do NOT count, athleticism and the occasional will to play solid man defense does not make one a good NBA defender), no consistently scrappy players (token white man aside, of course). Somehow people seemed to think that Pierce would score 25 a game, Ricky would picth in 20, Al would go for 18 and 10 on a nightly basis, Ryan Gomes would be Sixth Man of the Year, Delonte, Banks, and Dickau would captain the ship with great skill, and the Atlantic Division would be wrap.

I don't blame Doc, this team is still far away from being able to compete. I can't blame Ainge (yet) because I do like a lot of the young players. The C's are in that horrible wasteland that we might remember as "The Pitino Years" when the team is too young to be competitive and too hamstrung by the salary cap to add quality veterans. (Though, one does recall that a coaching change altered the course of things, though only briefly.)

Please keep in mind that I have watched all of four game this season.

Another thing about the Celts. I'm sure Sports Guy has already come up with a cute nickname for this, like "The Curse of Nervous Pervis," but why is it that there is always a big useless goon on the team (sometimes two) who is fucking everything up financially? First it was Pervis, "Oh, as soon as his conrtract gets off the books we'll be able to have so much salary flexibility." Then it was Vin Baker, "Oh, as soon as he's found face down in a gutter, we'll have all the cap space in the world." Then it was Raef LaFrentz, and before we could even relieve ourselves of him, we decided to add Blount's albatrose of a contract just for kicks (and we're still paying Baker, no?). This perpetual waiting for bad contracts to clear so that we can bring in more bad contracts is killing me.

On: Nothing in particular

Hello, friends. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. But please, beware of los serpientes. If you have a moment, take a Jungian personality test. I did, it totally changed my life. It informed me that I was a "Mastermind," so now all I need to do is decide upon whether I want to be an evil mastermind (think Dr. Claw or Cobra Commander) or a good mastermind (think Bill Belichick or Jesus). If analysis isn't your cup of tea, just watch the pretty lamas at play.


So I got a letter in the mail today, it wasn't addressed to me, but I read it anyway. Here is what it said:

Dear Gabriel Carteris,

Can I have your autograph? Wow, you must be like, what, 80 by now? Is there any truth to the rumor that you and James Eckhouse had sexual relations during the filming of Season 3? Oh boy, so many question! So Brian Austin Green was totally gay, right? I knew it! I knew he was totally gay! That's the only possible explanation for lusting after Tori Spelling. I mean, I ain't gonna lie, I thought she was kinda cute in seasons 2 and 3, but then dayum, she... oh shoot, Lost is on, I gotta run. So yeah, just send me that autograph.

Sincerely,
Travis Davis

Fitting First Post

This was a link today on Sports Guy. It may be the greatest thing ever (of the day).

Rafe, you might not understand it because you couldn't watch TV as a child, but I'll explain it sometime.

Before we get started, let's acknowledge some important figures